It's Not a Date
by prentiss-be-mine
Summary: Amanda tried not to consider it a date, but with Olivia she just couldn't help it. Rolivia; femmeslash; T for now, M for later :)
1. Chapter 1

**Slightly fluffy. Don't know how long this will be, but I couldn't resist :) Amanda's obvious admiration for Olivia is so adorable :D**

**Disclaimer: Believe me if SVU was mine, A/O and Rolivia would've been canon at some point. **

Amanda darted her eyes to the desk diagonal from her and made an internal sigh. Like her own desk Olivia's files were at the height of her shoulders and by the looks of it, this will be a long, tedious night.

"Oh god," she groaned to herself, throwing her head back in exaggeration. "I honestly think this paperwork will be the death of me."

She noticed a small grin from her peripheral.

"Dodging bullets and approaching the most dangerous men in New York you're immune to, but the paperwork, _that's _your cryptonite?" The brunette ended with an arched brow.

She snapped her neck in place. "I'm glad we understand each other."

A full on smile blossomed on Olivia's face along with a shake of the head. Those were rare, Amanda mused. With their job and the bleak context of it, smiles were seldom at best they were afflicted bitterly to their perps. She could actually count how many times she'd witnessed that twinkle in those dusty browns, ivory teeth presenting itself in front of plump lips. And in those three, maybe four times, it's never been targeted for her.

She dipped her head shyly, praying that Olivia didn't catch a glimpse of the blush trapping her cheeks.

"I will admit, though," Amanda's eyes returned on the speaking detective "when you're on the field your mind is set on one thing: justice, the perp, the victim, investigating- however far we are in the case. But when you're here, sitting down, your mind wanders. And as ludicrous it may seem, my brain can formulate things I'm grateful my eyes cannot."

Amanda softly nodded, sad that she can actually agree and relate to that theory. There were nights when sleep was impossible, her thoughts relentless. Dozens of images displaced in her mind, many of the victims' cries of agony, some of the perps' smug expressions when they were found not guilty due to some technicality, and at other times clips and segments of the actual rapes itself. Even if the physical evidence of the child abuse was vague- in comparison to more horrific and violent cases- her mind seemed to inference the scene of the attack, even when a portion of her brain pleaded to eradicate that filth.

So yeah, she knew what Olivia was talking about.

"It also reminds how long I've been sitting in this god forsaken chair," she continued in a bit of a whine, rubbing the back of her neck.

Oh what she'd give to be those olive fingers, kneading and rubbing the tense muscles away.

Oh what she'd give to touch _anything _of Olivia's...

She blinked back to her paper work.

"God I'm starving."

"Want me to get you somethin'?" Amanda offered, almost too eagerly for her liking. _Could you sound any more desperate. _

Either Olivia didn't catch on or she ignored it. Either way, thank _god. _

"Oh no, thanks. I was saying...in general. Takeout basically keeps me alive but it's been awhile since I had a home-cooked meal."

She's grown accustomed to her soft voice. How it managed to hold strength and authority, despite the smoothness of it. That, along with her unwavering glare, had perps- and some colleagues though no one admitted it- shaking in their boots.

That's what she's used to. What she found utterly attractive.

Now her brown eyes lost that light, that spark that puckered whenever she argued with a perp. And even now, Amanda couldn't tear her eyes away. The vague expression on her face made her already-wide eyes almost doe-like. She didn't have to know Olivia that well to know that she came home to an empty apartment, her footsteps loud against the wooden floors, it's sole reminder of her lonesome.

Her words certainly meant more than she was letting on.

_"I could do that for you..." _

"I'm sorry?"

Apparently her thought wasn't exactly a _thought_, after all.

Oh god.

"Um...well."

Dear lord.

"You see..." She could feel the heat fogging her cheeks.

_You idiot. _

Olivia's expression of confusion looked almost inquisitive when she tilted her head to the side, examining the flustered blonde. "Detective I don't understand..."

The brunette's dark brow formed a tent over her eyes, face stilled from concern. She's no longer amused by Amanda's timidity.

And Olivia didn't need to worry. It was quite typical to have this internal response- throat heavy, hands clammy, heart fluttering- because of the veteran. It was something Amanda thought time could heal.

Well here she was nearly two years later, with her face beet red, anxiety blocking her throat, and her heart galloping within her chest.

But Olivia didn't need to know about her pathetic crush.

"Ya see," she chuckled, trying to lighten the attention on herself "I...you got me. I'm southern and I hold the stereotype of havin' the huge family and big dinners," she explained with a playful roll of the eyes and a sigh. "I've been in New York a couple of years now and I've yet to cook for anyone but myself. I'm kinda gettin' withdrawals over here."

God she's never made a smile so disingenuous to veil her anxiety and fear in her life. She's never needed to, really. Though her town in Atlanta wasn't exactly known for its sexual fluidity, she had no problem picking up a date. She wasn't cocky by no means, but she was anything but coy about what she wanted in a female- and that carried with her charm. She never thought of her words coming out without nothing but the flow of confidence. Or her arousal for a particular person to be exposed by external excitement. Initially that irritated her- that this mere woman can ruin her whole dating life of poise seduction in just two short years.

Well now she knew that Olivia Benson wasn't just _any _woman, and despite her pounding heart and hormonal responses because of her, that feeling was all the more thrilling.

That's why she ignored her mental mocking when she silently prayed Olivia would say yes.

And _oh yes _they were answered when Olivia responded with a light smirk and tilt of the head. "Well you're here, slowly dying from not being on the streets, dodging bullets and dangerous men. I can't get you out of this torture, but I can assist you with your odd, but thoughtful, need to feed others." Her smirk widened to a full on smile, apparently just as amused by her response as Amanda was.

"I'm glad I found an enabler for my unfortunate addictions," Amanda laughed lightly. "How's Saturday night sound, seven-thirty?"

"That's perfect."

Amanda couldn't hide that extra watt to her smile. "Great. I'll text you my address."

With a confirmatory nod they both slipped back into their hectic paperwork, too busy to say anything further. And even though she's typing a DD5 with a subject matter that was not pleasing to her stomach, she managed to keep her internal expression of glee into a small grin.

Because she's going to have a date with Olivia Benson.

Well not exactly a _date, _but she's going to make dinner for Olivia Benson on a set date.

That's good enough for her.

* * *

Her old self would've laughed bitterly at the nervousness that her body possessed. The food preparation was fine- she's letting the lasagna cool off in the oven, while the baked ziti and garlic bread were already done. It was the _Rollins _preparation, both emotionally and physically, but more importantly at this moment, physically.

It's seven o' clock and she had already showered and lotioned up, but she still hadn't decided on what she was going to wear. She had asked out Olivia on Monday night, and she kept throwing it off out of anxiousness, constantly saying 'I'll pick somethin' tomorrow' as the days went by. Now it's Saturday and her red comforter is nearly coated with slacks, dresses, and other fabrics.

"Fuck me," she mumbled, throwing her head back in just a black bra and panties.

Shouldn't this have been _first?_ The _easiest _thing to decipher. Her flaring hormones were relatively in check. _Relatively. _She had trouble compartmentalizing when she was face to face with Olivia. The food was ready, her house was clean. It's just...the clothes.

Should she wear a dress? Though she did like to dress up it can come off very formal, and this was suppose to be a relaxed night with food and laughs. It's _not _a date, Rollins.

How about jeans? Denim can be for any occasion aside from extravagant parties but it felt...off. She wanted to look good, and though her body- a temple she took pride in keeping it at its best- didn't look bad in jeans, she stilled wanted something else to show her figure.

But just _what?_

She took a lazy glance toward her nightstand alarm then widened her eyes at the time.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" she muttered, moving through her clothes. It's 7:30 and she's still in her underwear.

"Slacks and a blouse it is," she sighed throwing a toned leg in fitting black slacks she never wore to work. Her eyes seem to be glued to her alarm clock that she lost her footing when she tried to slide her other leg in. Unfortunately her reflexes didn't help her when the ball of her foot caught with the back of her jeans and she stumbled forward.

"Son of a bitch!" she groaned, hunching on her side, wincing at the throbbing pain on the side of her head.

Even though the pain was a shy away from unbearable, Rollins took a deep breath, properly but her other leg and stood up, zipping and buttoning up.

Instead of the initial blouse, she went for a white tank top and threw over a soft-pink cardigan. She finished the simple, yet semi-formal outfit with black flats and she bolted in the kitchen, forgetting that her lasagna was still in the oven.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god," she said with timidity as she opened the oven. But she released her inhaled breath in relief when she saw that her lasagna was done and did not overcook. "Oh, thank god!"

And just when she thought that she can relax and bask in her accomplishments in a sure-to-be delicious dinner, her heart dropped when there was a knock on the door.

_She's here. _

* * *

**Yay first part of this...fluff thingy. Want more let me know in this little box down there, por favor :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the lovely people who reviewed and favorited/alerted this story! This was a spontaneous thought so I honestly have no idea what I want to do with this- aside from giving you Rolivia deliciousness, of course ;)  
**

"Just relax," she reassured herself, calming down her slight hysterics of her shaky hands. **  
**

See _this_ is what she was talking about having her feelings _relatively _in check. When she convinced herself that was okay, Olivia probably was still across town. But now her heart galloped in the cage of her chest and she didn't even _see _her yet.

"This is just dinner. Nothing special."

_Nothing special... _The words bounced in her conscience, soft yet forward- mockingly- in an eerie tone. She was right; this was nothing but a night of free food for Olivia but something much more, something cherishing for Amanda.

It was silly, but the truth nevertheless.

The second set of knocking slipped her out of her reverie and she walked over to the door, mildly platting the crown of her blonde hair. She wanted to give herself a last look-over but the mirror that was once beside the front door was smashed into pieces during one of Kim's meltdowns. She hadn't gotten the chance to get a new one, and Olivia was on her third set of knocking probably growing impatient, so mindless hair fixing would just have to do.

With a sigh and a quick brush of her cardigan, she turned the locks and opened the door.

She was met with soft brown eyes and a small smile that had her heart galloping. With its intensity, she wondered if the detective can see the hollow imprint thumping in the middle of her chest.

"Hey sorry I'm late. I was-" her eyes narrowed suspiciously, bringing confusion in her own. "What _happened?_"

She remained on her face, but those dusky browns didn't align with her own but stood fixated on the throbbing section of her head.

Did it bruise?

"Oh- _this_?" She tapped her temple with two fingers, eyes widening slightly at the warm liquid that met them. As if she needed the reinforcement she looked down at the crimson circling the pad of her digits, not enough to drip but certainly enough that she couldn't just wipe away freely. She remembered falling and the pain becoming palpable, but bearable, but never felt tearing of the skin let alone something to draw blood. With the combination of her clumsiness and Olivia still by threshold, all she could do was stare blankly at the blood that now traced the curve of her fingernails.

A strong hand on her bicep snapped her out of her daze, and yet those strong brown eyes stoned her back in place. She felt her burn at the touch along with the equally potent gaze on her own, before it set behind her. "Are you alone?"

The question threw her off but with the detective's free hand softly fingering her gun, ready to take it out when necessary, she then understood Olivia's protective glare.

It took her forever to answer the door, her hair probably a mess, with blood on her temple. It didn't look good.

"Yeah, I am," she smiled, trying to lighten the tension as she moved from the door, opening it wider.

Olivia stepped in but her eyes didn't soften nor did her hand leave her gun.

"What happened?"

Recalling the events, an embarrassed blush freckled her cheeks as she closed the door. "I was gettin' ready when I tripped over my own pant leg and fell." Hearing the words out loud sounded even more humiliating than her pride bruising in solitude.

Even when she dropped her head in abashment, rubbing the drying blood between her fingers, she could feel the strong gaze branding her forehead. Well this was a start for a disastrous evening.

Fortunately that weight on her chest lifted a bit when she looked up, being met with a demure smirk. "So no dangerous men?" It etched with amusement, her eyebrow arching slightly, but her eyes remained on Rollins', giving her one last chance to ask for help.

With a relieved, but controlled, smile she echoed, "No dangerous men."

The detective's smirk broadened, almost wolfish- something she's never seen before, but just as enticed by it like every other expression Olivia made."Let's see. Detective Rollins jumped out of a window and trampled a running perp, barely a scratch on her but Amanda- the girl with a crippling affect for paper work, and an compulsive need to cook for others- can find herself stumbling over lifeless and helpless pants? Now tell me how does that work?"

When Amanda found herself giggling like a loose school girl, she bite her lip to pacify the embarrassing sound. Olivia was right- it _did _seem crazy, but she was amused and it had Amanda witnessing that playful smirk she's come to be obsessed with.

And to be fair, she jumped out of an incredibly large, _open _window on the _first_ floor. She's no superwoman.

"Remarkable, ain't it?"

A chuckle slipped from plump lips- lips Amanda dreamed of nipping with her own teeth. "It's definitely intriguing." Olivia dipped her head, almost shy like- something _definitely _uncharacteristic for her- and added "Even adorable."

It took all of her power not to chew on the edge of her lip suggestively and control her heart rate. That compliment was sweet, unexpected, and she had to run her fingers through her hair to stop herself from saying something she'd regret. "I should- uh, I should make your plate..."

Unfortunately the motion of her nervous habit brought attention to her un-nursed wound on her temple, bringing Olivia to glance from her head to her fingers, the blood now dry, pasting her skin with a pale crimson hue.

"Let me clean that off, first," Olivia offered while Amanda politely shook her head.

"You don't have to I'll..." She trailed her voice, defeated, when the brunette brushed past her and walked down her hall- that traditional dominant stride having her unconsciously bite her lip at those lovely hips swinging in irritatingly tight black jeans- to the bathroom, which wasn't difficult to find since the door was open.

Olivia's brief departure gave her enough time to take a few deep breathes, calming the hum tickling her body. Either Olivia was incredibly cruel casting a spell on Rollins just for her own enjoyment, or she was incredibly oblivious to the potent control she seemed to have on her. _How could she not see it?_

The sound of boots- ones she's use to hearing on a near regular basis- snapped her out of her reverie. She kept her eyes ahead, afraid that they would travel on that glorious body to the point of attention, and waited till the brunette was once again in front of her, rubbing alcohol in one hand with cotton swabs in the other.

The acrid scent of the astringent met her nostrils and her nose wrinkled, but Olivia's olive fingers on her jaw stilled any movement.

"Hold still."

It wasn't unfriendly or commanding, but Olivia wasn't asking for her permission because she was taking it.

Her dominance was so apparent, second nature to the veteran- probably been like this her whole life- but to Amanda it was just another fantasy she could file in her head. And _oh _was that list growing!

The luke warm liquid snapped her back to reality, its stinging having her suck a breath through clenched teeth.

"Almost done..."

Even with the burn to her temple Olivia's voice slipped through her, leveling her frustrations like fine wine. She loved how low it could get, and she's often thought how it sounded when Olivia was in bed. Was it ruff, possessive and bitter- the dark tone suited for criminals? Or was it soft, whimpering- cracking as that lucky bastard stroked her to oblivion. That also left her wondering how she liked it in bed- hard and bruising, or gentle and thorough?

That left her mouth dry, a shaky groan unconsciously slipping before she can catch it.

"Did I hurt you?"

Her blue eyes glazed over to the worry in the brunette's. "A little," she lied. If Olivia wanted to think that sound of appreciation was in fact from discomfort, then fine. "But it's just a little scratch," she added.

"Well you're all done." Olivia made a few more sways to her head, probably for good measure- always the protector, Amanda mused- before the once flat circular white pad became a small, pink ball in the veteran's hand. "Don't want that pretty skin to bruise, do we? You're too young for permanent scars."

"Gee thanks, _mom_," Amanda twitched her lips, forming a smirk. Humor seemed to be her only deflection for her raging hormones that actually worked temporarily.

How pathetic.

"Was that a jab at my age?" Olivia gasped, exaggeratedly, adding with a hyperbolic hand to her chest.

Her dramatic gesture was almost displacing considering she's accustomed to the passionate, yet reserved detective at work. But the contrast of her personal character made her smile with internal awe. She learned something new about Olivia every time she was able to be alone with her and it had the blonde nearly squealing with excitement, glad the veteran finally came across to her presence.

But this time she was able to jab, tease a little more to keep that smile on her face.

"Well since I made dinner- _fabulous _dinner, by the way- I can make all the jabs I want without being arrested for verbally assaultin' a detective."

Olivia chuckled, shaking her head. "Touche."

* * *

"Oh god," Olivia groaned through a mouth full of lasagna, her words barely comprehensible through the cheesy bits of the carb.

She always took pleasure in the general praise of her culinary skills- mostly from relatives she gave feigned smiles to- but something about Olivia's throaty tone, those beautiful eyes nearly shut from satiation, craved a hunger that her nearly two pound plate could never quench. She wanted to hear that '_oh god' _and '_so good' _in a different context, preferably with Olivia writhing from her mouth between those gorgeous legs.

Her cheeks burned at just the mere thought.

Luckily Olivia's head was practically glued to her plate to notice.

"So, uh, enjoyin' it, I see?" she asked, piercing her garlic bread with her fork, taking a small bite.

Olivia smiled through her own bread, covering her mouth at what she thought would be unruly behavior for the table- something Amanda's mama certainly would disapprove of- but the blonde kept a soft grin on her face. The ruby color glowing against the olive skin honestly trumped all the lustful things Olivia inexplicably did for the night.

Somehow sheepishness and coyness outweigh her unintentional double entendres for the night.

After careful chews Olivia continued. "I'm really surprised!"

Amanda held a surprising gaze herself, but it definitely didn't mirror the amused look on the brunette's face.

"What I meant was," she elaborated,apparently her stiffness now visible, "that I've never met a detective who can cook something that didn't have a time limit on the back of the box. It's different, I can say, to see in the 1-6. How did you find the time to learn?"

Satisfied with that answer, she smirked, "I'm southern, Olivia. It's drilled in your head that cookin' and cleanin' and havin' kids are the ensemble to make you a woman worth marryin'. I'm no Cleaver, but I don't need her babblin' how I'll end up old, childless, with no man, so I figured out her recipes to shut her up." she rolled her eyes, practically hearing her mother's stronger accent scolding her conscience.

"She sounds um...very, uh..." She could practically see the gears in Olivia's head, trying not to offend her with judgment.

Amanda carelessly shrugged. Most likely the unfiltered thought in Olivia's mind was the truth.

"Close-minded? Stupid? Incredibly blind and sexist?" She answered proficiently, eyes on her ziti being broken by her fork.

"I was going to say _traditional_," Olivia offered, but Amanda sighed with impatience. "You're a great fucking cook, Rollins." Her sudden profanity shook a hard laugh from the blonde, not exactly a friendly one. "Any man would drop to his knees if he could get just a crumb of your delicious food." However, that assuring smile and the compliment softened Amanda's eyes- a loose smile trailing along her own lips. But as quickly as the compliment sunk in, its meaning almost made her frown. She didn't want just _anyone, _and certainly didn't want a _man. _

"I don't exactly have bachelors curbin' lines down the street." Not that she _wanted_ any, but it's the truth.

"You should. A woman who has a good head on her shoulders should have any person she wants." Olivia's eyes settled up on her's and Amanda couldn't break away, despite her fears ghosting her shoulders. "You'll find that special someone."

Amanda let out a sigh, clenching her jaw, refusing to let that comment get to her. She can't afford to make a fool of herself, reaching for hope that Olivia's words are interpreted in the way she would like them to. _She's being nice. _Still, her body betrayed her with its fluttering heart, clinging hope for something else, something more.

Maybe something was there.

* * *

**Kay peeps, I've decided to split the dinner into two chapters because one, it would've been hella long, and two, I wanted to show Olivia's caring side and what I have planned- well not really _planned, _but a couple of thoughts- would deflect from that a bit. Also, I wanted to give some incentives on why Amanda could possibly believe Olivia might like her as well. Though Amanda adores Olivia on the show, based on her character I'd highly doubt she'd burn for someone who doesn't reciprocate in the slightest. **

**So yeah, sort of a filler chapter for the next.  
**

**Let me know what you think, or what you'd like to see in that itsy bitsey box down there :D  
**


	3. Chapter 3

It's been silent for a while, Amanda and Olivia focusing on the food below them. Every now and then Amanda would take a glance at the brunette and somehow those brown eyes always met her. Was it that Olivia felt eyes on her and she looked up out of instinct, or was it that her gaze never left Amanda's face and _she _was the one looking up? She didn't give it much thought- god if she did she'll give herself a headache- and payed more attention on her food, that was decreasing as time passed and her plate became more visible.

"I don't get it," Olivia finally said, chin perched in her hand. Amanda lifted her brow in question, but the brunette elaborated. "I just don't get why you're single. I mean, it must be by choice."

The way Olivia unabashedly stared at Amanda made her throat dry. It seemed so direct, even pushy, but she couldn't be irritated at those soft eyes gazing inquisitively on her own.

"Well," she chuckled shyly, blush blossoming her pronounced cheeks, "thank you for the compliment but I think you're givin' me too much credit."

"Maybe. You did feed me so I may be a little biased," she shrugged robotically, but her eyes showed her amusement.

Amanda hadn't realized how much of a jokester Olivia was. Her distance and coldness initially intrigued and attracted Rollins, but something about opening those walls, finding a human being behind it was really endearing.

She couldn't stop her light laughter. "I mean, what about you, Liv?"

"Oh, _me? _No, no, I can't cook," she smiled.

God she could look at that smile forever. "No I mean...you're single." Her expression didn't harden but the humor was gone. "I honestly don't get _that_."

It was Olivia's turn to laugh, an unhappy one. It was sharp, self-deprecating, and a shiver tickled down her spine, its feeling unnerving her. This was the Olivia she unfortunately worked with- one who was confident and passionate in her craft, yet doubtful and incredulous about herself. Amanda's never called her out on it- it was never her place to- but the sadness to her heart didn't stop when those brown eyes hardened and she made a stiff smile.

"I can give you a slew of reasons, detective."

"Some that are probably deeply subjective, I might add."

"Well you don't exactly know me so yours are probably subjective, as well."

That comment stung, the bark in Olivia's voice not relieving the wound. She was right- aside from Olivia being a strong-minded, passionate, efficient detective, she didn't know much about her. Amanda knew firsthand the bitterness and the cruelties that can be seen in a person, but she'd like to believe that was impossible to see in Olivia. Call it foolish, call it naive, but a woman that remarkable at work must carry those traits outside of it. Olivia's zeal wasn't _just _a component for her work, but was simply an attribute of her personality.

She just wished she could find the words to prove that to the veteran.

"I'm sorry," Olivia whispered, assuming Amanda's silence for offense. Well it _did _offend her, but she was thinking more of the detective than her bruised feelings. "I didn't mean to come off that bitchy- and that's _one _of many reasons I'm alone. I rub people the wrong way."

If Olivia's voice wasn't so bitter, bordering on pity, then perhaps Amanda would allow her mind to think of an innuendo for the brunette's words. But she couldn't be that selfish when a friend was in need. "You don't need a softy."

Olivia scoffed as she stood up with her plate, and walked over to the sink. Amanda's eyes followed her movement, watched the stiffness in the brunette's back when her selfishness got the best of her. Blue eyes trailed lower, to the long lean muscle that consisted of Olivia's legs, working her way back up until it hit her ass, gazing alluringly, taking full advantage of the veteran's position.

Fortunately- or unfortunately, depending on what side of her brain one was referring to- the blonde shook her head, rubbing away the fog of misjudgment and focused on the main issue. With a sigh she stood up and made her way beside the detective, leaning against the marble of her kitchen counter. She stared at the brunette, unabashedly for once. Maybe it was Olivia's dubiousness that gave her confidence, but she couldn't tear her eyes from the stone forming in the detective's expression- trying her damn hardest to ignore the blonde's presence, her _close _presence that was nearly impossible to ignore.

Olivia must've gotten tired of it.

"Don't look at me like that," she said, keeping her eyes to the sink even though the dish was long ago cleaned.

"Like what?"

The brown eyes flashed on her, indignant, its abrupt intensity rattling the blonde to her feet. She recognized that heat, the ferocity in those dusky orbs fit for interrogating perps. "Like I'm some charity case. I know I'm limited, and I've accepted living alone- something I don't mind really- so please, cut the violins."

She expected the ice in the brunette's tone, so maybe that's why she wasn't put off by her words. Or maybe her sadness for Olivia's thinking outweighed her fear of being shut out by the older woman.

You could never know when it came to her.

"You've accepted it as if it's your fate. Like someone isn't bound to be attracted to you."

Just like that the fire was gone in the brunette's eyes, replaced with skepticism and perhaps, just a bit of hope. As if the general portion of her brain deflected Amanda's words, but her heart open to hope for the better.

Amanda took her chance. It's either now or never.

"You ask me how I'm single? Well I ask how's a smart, funny, kind, _gorgeous-" _She put strength on that word, her accent getting deeper, to illustrate her point, "- woman like yourself, not have people danglin' off her finger?"

They held each others' gaze, Amanda refusing to let her fears- and oh, they were there- get to her this time. Her own trepidation could come off as untruthful to Olivia and that's the last thing she wanted, though she couldn't say for the veteran. Olivia was looking for her to screw up, to have a reason to run away, to give validation to the naturally wary portion of her brain.

Well Amanda won't be that. She won't be another Elliot.

The aura had changed, Amanda's affection coming to light and _finally _Olivia seemed to be catching on. The brunette visibly swallowed and wet her lips, nervousness- perhaps even timidity and coyness- apparent in her gaze. The blonde took a step closer, an extremely pointed one, hands clasping on the coolness of the sink, brushing against the detective's. She could just kiss her right there, illustrate her emotions with clarity rather than jumble over it with semantics. Olivia was a little taller than she, and it would mean that she would have to tilt her head to gain access of those sure-to-be soft lips, and that would give the veteran time to react. That millisecond can be for her to lean back appallingly, or dive in with the fervor Amanda's body screamed for on a regular basis.

She could kiss her right now...

But she couldn't because her fucking phone picked the lucky time to ring!

She tried to ignore it, as if the clench of her eyes would null the interruption and they could magically stay in that moment, but alas the ring persisted and the objectivity of her brain demanded her to pick it up.

"Rollins," she asked, not pretending to be friendly or enthused by their presence. She inwardly groaned when the woman before her took a deep breath and returned to the table, running her fingers through brown curls.

"Hi 'Manda," a slurred, bubbly giggle blared into her speaker.

_Fuck, not now. _"Kim-"

"I can't rememba where's your apartment, again?"

She's using- she's not completely stoned to slip out of reality but she's definitely not sober. The giggling and incoherent slurring continued until Amanda successfully focused her younger sister.

"Kim where are you?"

She seemed to get Olivia's attention, brown brow lifting with questioning. Amanda, embarrassed, looked down and turned to the sink, giving Olivia her back.

"Hmm with Jeff. He said hi!"

Just the sound of his name made her blood boil. "Where are you?" she said slowly, but sharply, trying to keep her unnaturally inattentive sister focused.

"Uh, Motel six? Or is it Motel eight- you know 'Manda New York is- it is so confusin' with its bright lights and big buildins'-" Amanda growled out in frustration, clenching her eyes shut, doggedly keeping her tears at bay. This wasn't suppose to happen now- not that she wished this illness on her baby sister, but she wanted to drift away from the struggles of her life and indulge in her crush for a little while.

This can't happen now.

"Just stay- Kim, Kim I swear to god, just stay there!" She huffed out her frustration, hanging up on her sibling's mumbling and charged to her room, grabbing her revolver before returning to her living room where Olivia stood, worried.

"Whoa, whoa, what's going on?" She asked, stopping the blonde's rushed movements with those hands planted to the blonde's shoulders.

Amanda dismissively shrugged out of the hold. "It's just my sister, it's nothing."

"Well that call was personal and you're bringing your firearm so I have to ask what's happening?" she softly prompted, following the blonde's moving gaze with her eyes.

"Kim's with that asshole prick, Jeff, and I want to be there before I have to bust a cap in his ass." She never conversed with Olivia about her sister or her problems, even though they were well known in the precinct, and she felt like now wasn't the time.

Luckily Olivia didn't question her, or _him. _She must've read the anger in her blue eyes.

"Look, I drove here so let me give you a lift."

"No, I'll take a cab." There was no way Amanda was allowing Olivia to witness her sister in the inevitable state she's in currently. They're not close enough for that.

"And what? Pay money and wait for cab for twenty minutes when I can have you there in that time?"

Olivia had a point and despite her being adamant about letting people see her sister like that, she needed to get to her and fast.

"Fine."

* * *

The ride there was a silent one and she commended Olivia for giving her space. She needed this time to sort out her scurrying thoughts. Some of them were prayers that Jeff wasn't high with her- because a high Jeff was an angry one- while most were objective, trying to pinpoint where her sister was in the most rational way possible.

She was surprised when warm fingers grasped the ones on her lap, the tips smoothing her pale knuckles. Bewildered she dragged her eyes to find the brunette's on the road, seemingly aware of the gaze on her profile. Had this been another occasion, one where her sister was safe in Atlanta with her mother, then maybe her mind would wander to the possibilities to Olivia's response, decide if this was platonic or not. But no, as much as she loved the soft digits lacing her skin, her mind was on her sister, something that even Olivia couldn't distract her from.

* * *

Stepping out of the passenger's seat, she rolled her eyes to find a thin blonde- who she can easily pinpoint as the silhouette of her sibling- stumbling out of the motel, completely unaware of Amanda's frustration. The detective charged up, trying to make it there before she inevitably fell off her feet, and she caught her just in time, distributing all of her weight to her feet as her sister pressed her body against her chest.

Her nostrils met the smell of Bourbon, but her eyes didn't look dilated.

She's just fucking drunk.

"Hi 'Manda," she giggled, inebriated, against her neck as she rolled her head on the elder sibling's shoulder.

"Shut up."

Amanda walked them over to the car, occasionally stopping to lift the blonde's uncooperative body, and stopped her giggling sibling at the seat, pinning her to the window.

"Show me your wrists," she commanded.

"Wha-" Realizing that the blonde barely knew her name at this point, she took both of her frail wrists in one hand and reached for her cuffs with the other, clasping them into the metal, tightening them despite her protests. "'Manda!"

The detective ignored her and opened the door, pushing the squirming sibling into the backseat before slamming the door with unnecessary force. With a growl she walked up and climbed into her own seat, glaring at her now frustrated hot mess of a sister in the backseat through the rearview mirror.

"Get these things off me!"

"You keep squirmin' I swear I'll cuff your feet too!" Amanda fired back.

"You don't have an extra set of cuffs."

Kim, always the one to give lip. How this girl didn't give her gray hairs by now, is beyond her. "Well maybe if you weren't piss drunk, you'd see that Detective Benson is driving, meaning she has her own pair that I will happily use on you." Okay, maybe she was a bit out of line bringing Olivia into this, but Kim could drive the already-frustrated blonde insane.

She watched those blue glassy eyes peer at the brunette through the mirror, and Olivia curiously do the same.

"You fuckin' my sister?"

"Kim!" Amanda tried to yell but her throat clogged at that, snapping her head at the backseat, eyes widened with rage and humiliation.

The clearing of the throat to her left did not help her mortification. _  
_

"That's why you dress so pretty," she chuckled, words jumbled over the other. "You were lookin' for some scissorin' tonight-"

"Kim, shutup!" Amanda turned to face the brunette, whose cheeks burned a deep crimson as her eyes stayed determinedly on the road. "Liv, s-she's just drunk, please don't take her seriously. She's out of her mind right now."

Olivia quickly nodded, but her eyes still aligned with the road.

"Haha you make her dinner too?" Kim questioned with amusement, but those glazed eyes widened when the elder southerner slipped further into her seat, wishing she could hide from the woman beside her. "Oh god, I stopped your game, 'Manda. I'm sorry, sis-"

"Kim I swear to god-"

"Hey, hey, I told you I'm sorry. Maybe next time huh, detective?"

Olivia had her jaw clenched, her knuckles nearly white around the wheel. She no longer held that embarrassed rouge against her cheeks- her expression still and unreadable. Was she hurt? Did Kim's drunken mess actually got her thinking, perhaps believing that's all what Amanda wanted? The thought of that- something so shallow, deplorable- had tears in her eyes but she blinked them away.

The car eased into a stop and Amanda recognized her building before them. Though she was thrilled to leave this painful car ride, she didn't want to leave Olivia's side without explaining herself, to tell her that mindless sex was never on the table.

But it looked like she can't get that wish tonight with her rowdy sister in the backseat.

"I, uh, I had a great time tonight. And I'm really sorry for-" she took a quick glance, more of a grimace at the backseat, "-_that."_

"It's okay," Olivia responded, but her smile seemed empty, forced. _  
_

And that Amanda's heart clench.

"We should talk tomorrow," Amanda offered, feeling the separation begin and Olivia's walls rebuild.

"Sure." Another lifeless reply.

More tears pricked at her tear-ducts, but she kept them at bay- years of turmoil and struggle, for once, preparing her for moments like this. For moments when her heart felt like it ripped from her chest because it's galloping beat, and settled in her hand for the world to see.

She felt like crap, but she hid it well.

"Goodnight, Detective."

* * *

**Not so fluffy at the end, huh? I know, I know, but I have a little path to where this is going. Don't worry ;)**

**Just when I think I can't get any more thankful for your reviews, I get feels! Yes, people, your reviews give me feels so you should, like, totally give me more so I can feel :D**


	4. Chapter 4

**Aww everyone hates Kim? I find her spiffy haha :) But seriously, more sisterly insight. Unfortunately we don't see much of Amanda's life on the show, so I figured I'd show little domestic moments here.  
**

Amanda woke up the next morning, a growl slipping from her dry throat as she trudged to her kitchen. It was a routine to have a glass of water, a closed water bottle, a tiny flashlight, along with aspirin and prescribed medication on the table beside the guest bed, set out for Kim. She'd learned to bottle up her frustrations of the previous night because there was no use for any animosity. Aside from the inevitable hangover that was to come, her damaged sister will have no recollection of what happened last night.

So she might as well do the same.

With a sigh, she opened the freezing cold water bottle and emptied the contents directly on the sleeping blonde's head. It made a gurgling sound, and Kim's harsh coughs and gasps for air laced with it.

"What- what are you doin'?" she spat out a small stream of water from her mouth, blinking erratically as she rose in a sitting position, wincing at the crashing headache that Amanda knew she'd have.

"Time for your meds," Amanda responded blankly, placing the half-empty bottle back on the nightstand and picked up the full glass. She handed the silent blonde the glass while she opened the pill bottle, chucking out two pale, pink pills.

Amanda hadn't done this in a while, but the familiarity was extremely alarming.

After wiping her drenched face with the back of her hand, Kim threw back the Lithium and dry-swallowed, but her elder sister still gave her the water to flush it down.

"Open up."

This was routine for Kim as well, and luckily her sister didn't pick the day to be defiant and refuse her medication. Those times she were grateful for her trained skill in combat because the blonde, when she wanted to, can put up a real fight.

Kim widely opened her mouth and Amanda squinted, finding no signs of the small pills.

"Tongue out."

The sibling complied and Amanda was pleased to find the same results.

"Good," she whispered more to herself.

Amanda went to work for Kim's care, her old role of the maternal sibling rekindling. She stared into blue eyes, similar to her own but slightly sharper in tint, and checked for the response to her pupils. They flickered, reflexively looking away. Appropriate size, no dilation. Good.

She stretched out Kim's arms, wrists upward. The traces of self-harm no longer phase Amanda and her eyes diligently search for newer marks, and fresh puncture marks.

"I don't do that anymore," the southerner whispered, as if reading her mind.

Amanda ignored her, sadly finding Kim's words contrasting with the facts. She flattened the inside of Kim's elbow with her thumb, feeling for any ridges against her pale skin. She may be a nuisance and a drunk, but at least she kicked her heroin habit- for now.

Amanda slipped a thumb under her sister's chin, pushing upward until her nose aligned with the ceiling, wet strands of blonde sticking to her cheek.

"Amanda I told you I don't do that."

The elder sibling took the small flash light and shone it to her nostrils, squinting suspiciously until her eyes hardened on her sister.

"Don't lie to me, Kim."

"I'm not lyin'-" She dropped her head to face the detective, but Amanda cut her off.

"I see about ten dollars worth of coke just on one side of your nose- now I'm going to tell you again," she warned, flicking the flashlight off, "don't lie to me. When was the last time you used?"

The young girl worried her bottom lip with her teeth and her fingers went instinctively for her forearm, scratching lightly. It was a habit Amanda caught on even before her diagnosis and she'll let it slide, for now, until she sensed damage can be done. "A couple of days ago, I was scared. My mind...I just wanted it to stop."

Despite her parental protection she had for Kim, her sisterly personality always had a soft spot for the young southerner in distress. She always had this irrational, but truthful guilt for her illness- perhaps her own resilience against their family drama as a child had Kim feeling inadequate and weak? She overcame- well, kept in control of her gambling while Kim had difficulty with her own vices. It's something she thought of often and never conversed with anyone outside of her head. Fortunately she had a slew of work to distract her- for a little while, that is.

"Then you should've called me," Amanda whispered softly, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. "Or call your psychiatris-"

"So that fruitcake can just drug me some more?" the blonde interjected bitterly. "No thanks."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"You were at work. I...already interrupted before, I didn't want to again."

Despite the caring side of Kim that hid under the struggles of drug addictions, abusive relationships, and mental distress- she honestly hated it. She hated that a sweet, funny girl lived under that mask- a sweet, funny girl that oh so desperately wanted to come out. It was easier to hate her, to hate the girl who took pleasure in ruining anything nice for Amanda. The girl who slept with the boys she had her eye on as a teenager. The girl that destroyed any shot of a friendship with Olivia. Hatred was simple. But her care for her shown in layers, depth that even confused her- the 'sane' one- sometimes.

Oh, Kim.

"If you ever feel like that again, call me. Droppin' in unannounced ain't the best thing, but call me. You don't need that shit in your nose. Just...please," she took the small hand in her own, giving it a pat before standing up.

"No stay," she pleaded, grabbing Amanda's hand.

"I...I need to get ready for work." Kim's grasp tightened, briefly, before the words sunk in and her hands swayed back to her waist. The sadness in those blue eyes always made her heart burn. "I'll try to be home as early as I can," she added, trying to lighten the mood, but Kim knew her hectic schedule more than anyone. The thoughts of coming home in time for dinner was pleasant, but delusional.

"I love you."

Amanda smiled at that, a wistful expression touching her lips. "I know you do." Even throughout the manipulation and the destruction Kim can cause, it was all done in her complicated need for attention and love for her big sister. "And I love you too."

When she kissed her forehead, the younger blonde smiled.

Complicated didn't give their relationship justice.

* * *

Despite her two cups of large coffee she quickly guzzled down, Amanda felt heavily tired sitting at her desk. And it wasn't the sleepy sort of tired that can be drifted from a few hours in the cribs. This feeling was mostly psychological, fatigue that wore on her shoulders. What apparently spoke in the circles under her eyes.

Fin eyed her for long moments, watching his partner lose herself in her paperwork. Now he _knew _something was wrong. The Amanda Rollins he's gotten to know, the girl he's considered a little sister, would sigh and groan at the heavy paperwork she was compelled to do. Though every cop hated the more mundane responsibilities of their job, Rollins had a particular annoyance that was oddly unique.

But now she sat, head practically shoved in her computer, with her brows dented in concentration.

"You okay?"

She looked up to find light brown eyes concernedly on her. "Yeah, why?"

"You haven't complained about your DD5s."

It was true. Even though she internally sighed at the work, she was pleased that she could slip away from the havoc that was her life to help someone else's. But sadly that was very uncharacteristic of her, and little things like that caught the perceptive detective's eye.

Instead of her typical snark reply, Amanda lifelessly shrugged.

"Hey," he prompted, "talk to me."

Amanda chewed in the inside of her mouth, thinking of her words carefully. She didn't partake in pouring her heart out to people, even when they asked. Strength was always a surface and a necessity for her family, and strength didn't include whining and ranting over problems she couldn't change.

"It's just Kim," she waved distantly.

It wasn't _much _of a lie, but she left out a bunch of the truth.

She can see that he was about to speak but he stopped when her eyes shot up when the sound of boots hit the floor, and a figure slipped from the corner by the elevator. Brown eyes caught her blue and for a moment, a moment so brief that it could be missed with a simple blink, she detected some sort of embarrassment and even pain. But as quickly as it appeared, that glimpse of vulnerability died in her hardened narrow eyes as she made her way to her own desk.

There was no hello, no nod of respect or awareness of her presence.

And most of all, she didn't catch that small smirk that made her heart flutter.

She eyed Olivia for a few more minutes, watching the veteran slip into her paperwork like she was doing with her own.

Kim fucked up bad.

Her eyes went for work, but Fin's unabashed and bold stare gave him the undivided attention he consciously asked for.

"So you gonna tell me what the hell happened?"

"What are you-"

"Don't insult my intelligence, Rollins," he interrupted, but not necessarily rudely. He was just serious about his words.

She'd give him that. Fin showed her nothing but respect when she transferred there, and she'd vowed to do the same.

"She was at my apartment last night and Kim called, said she was in trouble." He rose his brow, but she shook her head dismissively. "Nothin' major, she was just drunk. And when Kim's drunk she's not exactly coy with her thoughts." She snorted bitterly, trying to deject the pain of Olivia's ostracization.

"I guess it was awkward when she slurred how stupid in love you are with Benson, eh?"

The forwardness in his voice, the smooth assurance as if it was a fact, had her coughing, cheeks burning with blush. "What?" she all but screamed, catching the attention of the veteran diagonal from her.

She didn't say anything, words couldn't possibly explain her vehemence, so she set her glare on her partner- who was far too amused for her liking. "Why would you...no...no I am not."

Fin tossed Benson a peripheral glance as he propped his chin in his hand. "Oh c'mon, a blind man can see that you have the hots for her."

She tried to rebut, deny his ridiculous claim with a sarcastic comment, but her voice got caught in her throat. She never thought that far, the extent of her feelings for her. She didn't want to think of it as love, just potent attraction and admiration. Love would make it strong, make it real, make it permanent.

"You know how much of a filthy mouth Kim's got. It was...very uncomfortable." She left it as that. She will not disclose her feelings for Olivia, especially when she was within a few feet from them.

Fin's amused expression was washed away by his concern as he eyed her longer. "You really want her, do you?"

She held his gaze until she couldn't take the perception in the light color. "Yes," she admitted softly, almost wordlessly.

"Look, I've only seen Liv with guys." His voice nearly hushed with patience and sympathy. She sighed. It was a strong possibility that would be the case, but that did make the pain lessen.

Falling for the straight girl was always the worst.

_"But," _he emphasized, but cut himself off when the veteran stood up from her seat and charged pass the both of them, eyes never meeting the blonde's fleeting gaze.

When she finally turned the corner, Amanda faced Fin. "She hates me."

"She doesn't hate you. This is how Liv...figures shit out. She's thinking."

Amanda chewed on the edge of her lip, before her eyes hit knowingly on his. "What were you goin' to tell me before. You know, before she stood up?"

He rubbed one side of his jaw, leaning back into his chair. "I've known Liv for thirteen years but there's still a lot about her I don't know. Hell, not even _Elliot _knew."

She swallowed at that name, averting her eyes to her paperwork. Hearing about Detective Stabler felt so displacing, a point in history that didn't involve her or needed her input. She never spoke of him to Olivia or anyone in fear of being intruding. It's been two years and she's maybe heard his name three, four times in personal conversations.

"Olivia's never been _out _with women, but I wouldn't put it past her."

"What do you mean?"

Fin twitched his mouth, pursing his lips before he carefully spoke. "She took it pretty hard when we thought Cabot was killed."

She let that linger, various of interpretations coming to mind. But she was confused, and she had to be more blunt. "Do you think they ever...?"

It would make sense. Alex was intelligent, understood the duties of their job, and well, her being hot could help.

"I don't think so," he shook his head. "I don't think Liv even realized it but...it's just she looked at her differently, you know? Like she was curious, intrigued even, but- as strong as she in her job- Olivia's a real pussy in her personal life. She wouldn't risk her friendship over a little crush."

Amanda nodded, taking that in. So there's an off chance that Olivia may be attracted to women, but she has no knowledge if she was attracted to _her, _or if the brunette would own up to her feelings- if she had any.

_Great. _

"So what do I do?" she asked her friend, in need for some wisdom to null her scurrying thoughts. _  
_

"Talk to her."

He said it with clarity, as if it was that simple.

Maybe she needed to introduce simplicity into the hectic life of Amanda Rollins.

* * *

**Right, right? Kay next chapter will the be the first chapter where you're in Liv's head. Yay, right? C'mon, Olivia needs a bro, too.  
**

**Reviews are always loved and appreciated, my cyber babies! :)  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**OBAMA!**

**Now that I've caught your attention, time for shameful self- promotion. I have a new Rolivia fic in the works about 2500 words in, three-thirds done, I guess. And it'll be Rated M so...smut. It's gonna be really angsty and the writing style for me was different, but I like it and I hope you do too. The name of it will be Gratification, soooo look out for that! It'll probably be ready by the time the next chapter is updated. :)**

**It's three in the morning right now, so most likely they'll be a couple of errors. But I'll fix them at a more reasonable hour of the day.  
**

* * *

The cold breeze of early December ghosted Olivia's exposed neck, and she wrapped her black scarf around it. She swerved past the usual crowd of busy, disgruntled New Yorkers, heading for the subway. She couldn't stay there, and watch them, _her, _just speak of her as if she wasn't in the room. Amanda and Fin's soft whispers prevented her from hearing the actual conversation, but she caught their secretive gazes, how Amanda's cheeks tinged of a soft pink. How Fin carried that protective aura- the same sibling bond she had with him, post Sealview.

It was obvious they were talking about her, but just _what _were they saying?

Fin wouldn't bash her. He loved her, thought of her as a little sister while he was the brother she wished she had growing up. But with Amanda, she didn't know her well. She didn't know her intentions and it was infused in Olivia's brain to doubt before proven trustworthy. And right now, she's skeptical.

The tracks of the train screeched to a stop, and Olivia walked through the opening automated doors. Secured that the doors were closed and the train came alive, she leaned against the window, sighing softly as she closed her eyes. Yesterday was certainly an...interested night. She did enjoy the food and the conversation, but the ending...well, left her awkward.

She remembered Amanda briefly speaking of Kim and her blunt personality, but her razor sharp 'humor' didn't give the word justice. It wasn't the swearing that got to her- Olivia had a bit of a crude mouth, herself- but simply the context of her words, how they affected Amanda. Olivia gotten a little flustered by Kim's choice of words, but Amanda's expression of mortification- almost a look of betrayal- made her shut down.

If Amanda was that mad, then Kim's words held some truth to them.

And that made her stomach turn.

_"Haha you make her dinner too?"_ Kim's mocking, the amount of clarity out of a drunk girl's mouth made her clench her jaw. Was that all she wanted? Sex?

Did she look that desperate? Was available worn all over the detective like a trench-coat?

She's use to men trying to not-so-subtly ask her for a night, but women? She tried to recall last night's events, looking at it from a bird's eye view, but she came up with nothing. Amanda hadn't touched her, or commented on her appearance in a provocative manner but something about the tension wasn't platonic. It was the way Amanda looked at her, like she was something- like she cared about her opinions. The only evidence to the contrary was Kim's outward claim and Amanda's irrational response. It left Olivia confused and the not knowing irritated her.

She's older but her mind wasn't feeble- it's sharper than ever, really. She should know when someone was hitting on her, or trying to get her in bed. Either her wit wasn't as sharp as her ego liked to think, or Amanda's deceptively cunning and manipulative.

She didn't like to think of either.

* * *

Climbing up the stairs of the train station, Olivia walked down the street, weaving through people until she turned a corner and headed into a large corporate building. Despite being fairly familiar with the receptionist, Olivia flashed the brunette her badge and a courteous grin before heading to the elevator. She pressed the '21' button and watched it glow as she leaned against the wall, waiting patiently for the doors to open.

All of this thinking, tossing various interpretations and possibilities in her head, was tiring- especially when she couldn't seem to find a definite end result. Even with her bruised ego she knew she needed help. Not necessarily advice but all around guidance and support could perhaps put the turbulence of her mind to a null.

_Perhaps. _

The ding of a bell accompanied with the opening of doors as Olivia walked out, making a routine right, then left turn until she was before a closed door with a plush, golden '_Alexandra Cabot, Bureau Chief' _template at the center. She was about to knock but the door opened with a redhead- Christina was her name, if Olivia could remember- walking out of it with her shoulders slouched and her expression despondent.

She watched the ginger descend toward the elevator before she returned her gaze up front, noticing her friend hunched over at her desk, blonde hair veiling her face. As much of a hard ass Alex Cabot was, she hated putting down people that meant something to her, or people that were her allies. And that meant her subordinates, as well.

Solely using the knuckle of her middle finger, Olivia lightly tapped the door, not wanting to alarm her friend as she walked in. Despite the light rasping Alex stiffened as she snapped her neck up, but she visually relaxed when she saw the familiar figure walk over to her desk.

"Liv," she smiled, but the aftermath of her previous conversation showed in her eyes. "I got your text, is everything alright?"

"I see Cabot's badgering people on doing their jobs hasn't changed just because you're back as Bureau Chief, eh?" she smirked, deflecting the question as she took a seat in front of the mahogany desk.

"Christina is competent, but heavily inexperienced and that's irritating. But enough about me...what's going on?"

Now that she was there, away from the reminder of her problems, she didn't know where to start. Thinking about it now, it didn't seem like a illegitimate problem, but simply a peeve of a petulant child. All of a sudden this conversation didn't seem appropriate to have with her stoic friend- but she was a friend, and with Elliot gone, practically the only one she has left.

"Liv?" Alex prompted after her silence, leaning over engagingly.

Olivia twisted her mouth, fumbling with her hands before she spoke. "Amanda invited me over for dinner last night. It was...a nice evening." Even recalling the pleasant portions of the evening, she couldn't bring herself to speak of a problem that wasn't necessarily a problem to Alex. So she sat, chewing the inside of her cheek as she fumbled with her fingers.

"Amanda...Detective Rollins?"

Olivia nodded.

"...um, so you had dinner...?"

She could understand Alex's confusion- Olivia traveling all the way across town just to sit there chatting about a typical dinner seemed far-fetched. It was just damn hard to formulate sentences to represent her array of issues. She took a breath, rolling her eyes as her mind began to ponder. It'll be difficult explaining to Alex her issues so instead of talking about her problem, she decided to explain the night in exact detail- clinically, as if it was a case.

Yes, that'll be easy.

So she went on about the night, what she ate, the conversation about dating, Kim- she cringed at the name- and finally, explained what Kim said in gestural quotes, finishing nearly all in one breath, not giving herself enough time to feel embarrassed.

She expected Alex to frown at the crude language, or gasp in surprise of Amanda's apparent plan, but the blonde smiled and a chuckle slipped from her perfect lips.

Alex laughed.

She fucking _laughed. _

"So you think-" a few series of cackling prevented her from continuing, "- you think that Amanda had this plan to get you naked because her mentally ill, drunk sister said so?" After a few giggles, actually _giggles- _where is the Alex Cabot she knew? - the blonde calmed herself but kept a grin.

Olivia blinked, then again- as if she had to remind herself that she was here and that her friend's response was real.

"And you think she's gay."

"Yes. Why would her sister- out of all the drunk things to say- ramble about her sexuality and asking if...we were...together?"

"Because she's drunk."

"And people who are intoxicated have no filter."

Again, Alex smiled. Now that they didn't work together, no ego was in the way, or a constant need to grasp control. They were now just two former colleagues that became good friends. And she's come to like the personality that was hidden to the general public. "So you think that Amanda thinks that you're gay."

"I don't understand why." Olivia glared before Alex had the chance to give her that well-known smirk. "And do _not _use my haircut as an excuse because she did not know me back then!"

A soft chuckle hit the room. "Though your androgynous days did imply...suspicions," she broke out in a smile ignoring Olivia's scowl, "maybe she sees something in you that she likes. You're a smart, kind, career-driven, attractive woman, Liv. It doesn't seem ridiculous that she's interested."

"Well I don't see your ill sister blurting out that you want to scissor me," Olivia scoffed.

Alex remained silent, but her grin remained, even growing impish.

"Um?"

Silence.

"Alex!"

"God, Olivia, relax," she chuckled. "You were the only female in that sausage fest of unit. Of course I was going to be attracted, but that's all it was: an attraction. After I've gotten to know you and realized that you are a excellent detective, I figured you'd be a wonderful friend. And..." Alex rolled her eyes, adding on. "You don't put your cups on coasters. You _know _that drives me crazy!"

Olivia laughed, and Alex smiled in return. Maybe it was a good idea to talk to Alex, and most likely she won't have the solution to her problems.

But at least she had a friend there for her.

* * *

"So how do you feel about it?" Alex was paying more attention to the salad that she commanded one of her subordinates to deliver, but the question was clear.

Olivia frowned. "She could've _kissed_ me, Alex. Or something worse." Had she _not _been listening to the what's been saying?

"I am aware of that, detective, but you keep emphasizing how she had the gall to think about kissing you, or there's a slight chance that Kim's words hold veracity. But you don't actually tell me how _you_ feel about it. Have you even given it much thought?"

"I'm straight." Yeah she's straight. Straight girls don't think of gay girls kissing them. What a perfect explanation.

Alex softly laughed. "Okay."

"I'm glad you find this funny," she barked.

She'd think her dark glare would show the former A.D.A that be subject manner was serious, but somehow the heightened cackles ripped from the blonde's throat.

"Okay, okay," she snickered some more, trying to curb her amusement for Olivia's sake. "If you're straight then it shouldn't bother you. Amanda never kissed you, but she might like you. There's nothing to worry about...unless...?" Alex lead, dropping the humor, lifting her brow.

"Unless?" She echoed, not playing into Alex's game. Alex may trap the defense by having them walk into her web, but Olivia knew her tactics far too well to have them used against her.

"Unless...it's _not_ that simple? Talk to me, Liv."

"I just...I don't..." Many thoughts and questions stumbled over another in her head, but only one flew out.

And boy she wished that one was in secrecy.

"What if she's in love with me?"

Alex's soft laugh returned in her large office. "First you were questioning on why she would be interested in you, now you're convinced that she's in love? Isn't that a little far-fetched?"

"Far-fetched?" Olivia clenched her jaw, faintly frowning. "You said it yourself that I was a smart, driven, attractive woman. Why wouldn't she _love _me?"

She bit back her tongue, as if she could take back the stupidity of what she just said.

Alex just arched a perfect brow in response.

"Okay that came off really cocky and conceited," she blushed, eyes on her hands, "but seriously, Al." Her eyes hit the blonde, almost pleading. "What if there's an off chance that she wants more? What if it affects the way we work, and it's noticed by other parties?" Her eyes widened at the first authoritative figure that came to mind. "What if Cragen finds out? What if it becomes a conflict of interest, or one of us needs to transfer? Or something worse that my brain can't stir up?" Her rhetorical questions flew out in a jumbled mess of panic.

"Whoa, whoa, Liv come down," Alex reassured her, reaching a pale hand over the pristine desk to rub her own.

Olivia remained silent but her heart still hammered with uncertain anxiety.

"You're blowing this out of proportion when you have no knowledge of Rollins' feelings, because you won't _talk _to her." Alex tried her best to be understanding, but Olivia could be so damn stubborn and it was infuriating.

She curbed the edge in her tone and gave the olive hand a slight squeeze. "Hypothetically speaking, if she _is _in love with you then those feelings didn't grow overnight. And from the brief moments I've worked with her, she seems to be an objective person- _too _objective when working with rape victims, but she's still fairly new so it's understandable."

Olivia's not sure whether she squinted her eyes in confusion or how Alex nonchalantly critiques her friend's ability. It wasn't intentional to hurt her, but the blonde had a natural edge to her that could be demeaning if taken out of context.

Alex caught the shift in posture and elaborated. "My point is, that if she was able to work before when she was in love with you, I'm sure she can do it now- better than ever, in fact." Olivia raised a brow but Alex went on. "Her ego is bruised, and she wants to do everything in her power to forget she ever made a fool of herself."

Alex's typical glacial gaze softened and when Olivia figured the blonde would elaborate, the younger woman remained silent and continued eating her salad.

Olivia lifted her brow, but said nothing as well. She continued playing with her own cut up chicken, mindlessly flicking leaves of salad with her plastic fork. One thing she loved about their friendship is that they knew where to poke fun and when to lay off. And right now their barriers were down, too vulnerable and sensitive for their typical banter.

"It's still bothering you," Alex said with conviction.

Her blue eyes were still on her nearly empty plastic bowl, and it made Olivia wonder if she even was speaking out loud.

"You know it was a misunderstanding and you know that it's a near-definite chance that Detective Rollins won't speak of it, but something is still wrong? What?"

Even though Alex was now a bureau chief, she still had the cut-throat bluntness of a prosecutor. And as the years go by, Olivia's come to realize that's just how Alex operated. It's a nice trait to have in the courtroom, but not necessarily when she's looking for someone to vent and relate to.

"I just...what if she kissed me, and I kissed her back?"

Alex finally dragged her eyes from her food with a questioning gaze.

"What if I kissed her back and...I liked it and we continued...what if...what did she expect of me?"

Alex remained silent for a few moments until her eyes filled with clarity, also soft with sympathy. "You feel used."

Olivia tightened her jaw, slipped her hand from under the blonde's and averted her gaze. She hated when Alex looked at her like that, all soft and mushy. But she didn't disagree with the question either.

"Liv," she called out, but the detective stoically looked everywhere but blue eyes. "I won't lie to you and say an one-night thing wasn't a possibility. _Everything_ is a possibility. But also," she stood up and circled her desk, "Kim could've said things in a drunken stupor, and she had no idea what she was talking about. _Or _Rollins could've wanted just a kiss tonight; to show you that she wants you in that way. Think about it, Liv. She likes her friend and isn't sure how to approach her or if the feelings are mutual. And she finally puts aside all her fears and her anxieties to take initiative, perhaps subtly show you this is what she wants and it turns out said fears and anxieties are true when you close yourself from her."

That softness in the blonde's eyes surpassed friendly sympathy, and Olivia couldn't ignore it for a second time.

"You don't sound very objective, Counselor."

It's a habit, calling Alex by her former title but it's something she's been doing for years. And usually Alex politely but authoritatively corrected. Now the blonde remained quiet.

"Alex?" she pushed.

With an exasperated roll of the eyes, and arms across her chest, she went on. "My roommate, Anya, back in college- when I was an undergrad. We got really close, I thought she wanted more, I kissed her one night and she rejected me. There, story done." She huffed, recalling the events robotically like a shopping list.

Olivia pursed her lips as she sat further into her seat, surveying the protective stone masking the blonde's features.

"What did you do?"

She leaned further into the frame of her desk, crossing one stocking-clad ankle over the other. "Absolutely nothing. I packed my bags and moved into a single room. Never spoke to her again."

Olivia frowned up at her. "Yet you're telling _me _to talk to Amanda? Very hypocritical, Alex."

"Because I don't want you to make the same mistake I did because of your stupid pride!" She fired back with indignation. But within seconds she calmed down, running her fingers through her flaxen hair.

"Look, Liv, I'm not going to tell you what to do because it's your life, but I will tell you that I regret not talking about it. Yes, Anya did not seem to like me in that way, but before my...juvenile feelings developed, we were great friends. And not the type of friend in need for a professional favor, or one to sabotage for power or personal gain. We had a genuine friendship that I threw away because of my bruised ego and my fear of the unknown."

Olivia rumbled a soft sigh. Alex did have a point. Aside from Kim's blunt slip up, they were really beginning to slip out of the stiff colleagues phase into genuine friends who enjoyed each other's company.

It's just that she and Amanda's relationship were becoming strangely familiar to her former friendship with Elliot. Colleagues that quickly became friends, to something unnamed yet noticeably strong.

Love? She didn't know anymore. No man who _loved _someone would leave them without explanation. A man who loved her wouldn't be able to drop their collecting pile of baggage and trust and friendship without feeling the slightest bit of heartbreak.

So, no, it wasn't love. It just certainly wasn't light or platonic, either.

"I don't know what to say to her," Olivia whispered, brow furrowing. "I have so many thoughts, but I don't know which questions are best to ask."

"You still didn't answer my own," the blonde answered coolly, as if the revealing of her past life had no affect on her.

"Which was?"

"If you liked it," Alex held a hand up, knowing Olivia too well to stop her inevitable rebuttal, "and when I mean _like _it, does the thought of it, _her, _makes you...respond?"

She and Alex's friendship wasn't usually the gossiping type, so this conversation- despite the easiness that grew between them through the years- was awkward for the both of them.

"Alex..." She mumbled, timidly bowing her head to block the blush. Sometimes Alex's clinical approach to things came off maternal, and no one wanted to have the sex talk with their mother no matter how close.

The former A.D.A remained silent, and she stood unnaturally stiff. At least Alex was modest enough to look away, giving her time to respond.

"I don't...I never thought about it..."

Alex nodded. "Oh but you _are _thinking about it, and that's the problem, isn't it?" She asked the question but didn't expect an answer. "You can't outwardly say you like her, but you can't give the strict 'no I'm straight' answer, neither."

As horrible as it was, Olivia's issues didn't even involve Amanda or Kim. It's this internal conflict of her own, the complexities of her sexuality that she once thought was black-and-white. What if she wanted more? What if it was just a silly crush? What if it was, in fact, nothing at all? And the fact that Olivia, the detective, couldn't figure out those answers that should be simple to decipher, had her confused, annoyed, and excited all at once. It was something that stubbornly won't get out of her head.

Perhaps it was something she'd like to keep there.

"So what do I do?"

"Just talk to her. This experience is new for you, and by a lot of women later in life. Cynthia Nixon was married to her husband for fifteen years before she realized she was gay- or was attracted to that particular female. I'm sure she was terrified of change and the unknown, but look at her now- she's married to her wife, with a family of her own. Isn't that what you want?"

She flinched at that. Her desire for a family had always been a soft spot for her. "But what if Amanda isn't that? What if we ruin the little friendship we have because of...mixed feelings?"

"I'll tell you one thing: hiding and pretending that this subject matter doesn't exist will not help your friendship, either. Just take it slow. If Amanda is the good friend you keep talking about, she'll understand."

"You think so?" She asked, almost pleadingly, as if the blonde held all of her answers to her disposal.

Alex just grinned, patting a supportive hand on Olivia's shoulder.

"She'd be stupid not to."

* * *

**Okay guys, you need to pat me on the back. I've managed to have Olivia and Alex, my OTP, in the same room, by themselves, and not have them give incredible eye sex. Do you know how difficult it was making my OTP friends? *Inserts smug smile here*  
**

**Reviews are love people :)  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**Back to some Rolivian(Yeah I have an adjective for Rolivia, sue me :p) action! **

Amanda told Fin that she'd talk to Olivia about Kim's slip. Well, she lied. It wasn't exactly a lie- she _did _plan on talking to her, but whenever she shared a gazed with those brown eyes, she felt small and cast her own away. She couldn't deny that she was a woman with a big heart and a lot of love to give, but that didn't mean that she would just display that to just anyone. And as this week went by, she started to believe that she was exactly what she did with Olivia. It was her admiration and- to be superficial- her appearance that clouded her judgment.

So for a week she did everything in her power to avoid the veteran. Her eyes remained on her computer when Olivia was presenting a profile for their new perp. She'd come in as early as possible so she could leave in the same fashion, not saying a word to the brunette. The gods were in her power when Cragen didn't have them patrol, or pair up for any portion of their investigation.

It was hard at first. Not being able to gaze at the beauty she's obsessed with for two years. Or just admire how the woman operated at work, how she spoke with her hands- where her own mind wandered what _other _things those hands can do to her. But as the week gone by, it seemed like Olivia took the same precautions with avoiding her as well, and that pissed her off.

Call it irrational, even hypocritical, but she'd like to think that Olivia was thinking of her and she'd like to think that their friendship was worth saving to the veteran.

_Hope. What an useless feeling. _

So that's how she found herself on her day off, watching _The Notebook, _groaning in disgust at their iconic kiss in the pouring rain. Honestly, how do people eat that shit up?

"Oh, bullshit!" She gestured exaggeratedly at her small flat screen in the living room. "No one can be that enthused with each other when there's cold, blisterin' rain peltin' your face!"

So what she was a little heartbroken? A little bitter, perhaps a hint of envy added with irrational hope.

All of her emotions were irrational when it came to Olivia, and Amanda resented her for that. Of course Olivia couldn't help that she was a smart, beautiful woman. She also couldn't help that she was a _straight, _beautiful woman either, but it doesn't help the incessant quiver in her heart at the thought of it.

With every scene that damn Gosling gazed goofy at Rachel McAdams, her anger aroused. It seemed like the world found its love, ranging from teenagers and senior citizens, to fucking dogs in neighborhood. She just wanted one fucking woman in her life. Was that _too _much to ask?

Her obnoxious bell luckily alleviated her frustration because if she had to look at that boyish smile for one more second, she just might've thrown her shoe at the television she couldn't afford to replace.

"Who," she mumbled numbly, holding on to the 'talk' button.

That voice, smooth yet eerily unsettling, soft but deep, replied "It's Olivia."

Her heart roared at the name, as if the signature tone didn't reveal the woman already. The name was the realization that the conversation that she secretly wanted yet avoided, was going to be presented to her in a few minutes.

She swallowed, hard, as if the action can push away the anxiety rising in her throat. The woman she's been avoiding, who she's sexually attracted to, a woman who _knew _about her sexual attraction for her, will be there in a few minutes.

And with a week's time, she has no idea what to say.

Even with the expected door-knock, she jumped at the light sound.

Her fingers raked through her bangs and she took a deep breath as she opened the door.

There Olivia stood, casually leaning against the threshold. Her brown eyes gazed at blue, and all of the pent up anger Amanda once had now dissipated. It was something about the warm, molten color, the expression that lived in it, that calmed her trepidation.

"Hi." Her greeting was low and brief, clearly awkward, but Amanda would take that over being ignored any day.

"Hey."

The silence- aside from the corny lines of _The Notebook_- began to eat at the blonde. And even though it was painful, she couldn't seem to find her voice, to tell her that she was sorry, to yell at Olivia that it was about damn time she'd come around; it was something that nearly pleading gaze forbade her to do so.

"May I come in?"

As she looked down to widen the door, she caught a glimpse at her appearance- an over-sized Falcon's jersey that barely passed her white boxers- and she inwardly groaned. Call it vanity, but she at least like to _hold_ the appearance of looking good, even if she felt like crap. It was too late to change when Olivia raked over her outfit with an amusing glint- lingering at her exposed legs, traveling back to where they came- before she let herself in.

As if on its own accord, it was her turn to admire the lovely figure, her blue eyes trailing to very womanly hips traced in black slacks. It's not like she could touch- scratch them, _bite _them like she wanted- so it didn't make sense walking herself on a road to inevitable disappointment. It was stupid masochism watching her move, every bone, every stride with purpose. The urge to hike the taller woman against the wall she walking toward was heavy, taking her by surprise, unwinding all of that pent up frustration and anger into a needed kiss.

But then she remembered _she's straight, _and that hollow ache of disappointment always outweighed her hormonal response.

Olivia had her hands behind her back, surveying her surroundings like a typical detective. She stopped when she caught the sound of the television, and Amanda rolled her eyes.

She _really _should've turned the T.V. off before answering the door.

"Are you seriously watching _The Notebook?" _she asked, a smirk gracing her face.

"I was makin' _fun _of _The Notebook_," she corrected, but didn't hold the same humor in her tone as Olivia- because the subject matter that they've both been avoiding had been anything but.

Olivia's expression of amusement erased when she mirrored Amanda's look of solemn as soft fingers ran through her chestnut curls.

They stood a noticeable distance from each other, both women shooting glances when the other wasn't looking. Just to think that last week, in this very same spot, Olivia was nearly chest to chest with her, nursing a cut on her head and making fun of her clumsiness. It took nearly a year for Olivia to come around to her, and it took one night with Kim to crumble trust that was apparently weak to begin with.

"Look, Amanda-"

"Don't worry about it."

Perhaps Amanda's procrastination to spark this much needed conversation was her subconscious telling her _not _to talk to Olivia. Maybe her naivety finally made its last stop, objectivity finally boarding along. Aside from the victims, Olivia's closed off to the world, and like Fin said 'a total pussy in her personal life'.

And that's not the type of person Amanda sought in a partner.

"I'm sorry?" Olivia asked, raising her brow.

"Just forget it," she nearly choked out, a little indignant.

"You know we can't do that."

"Why not? I'm sure you already have your implications of me, I don't see the point!" She's not sure where that bark in her tone came from, or if it was done consciously, but when she saw Olivia's expression of pain she realized she didn't regret it. It's time for Olivia to not only understand her pain but to experience for herself.

Just like that, Olivia's pain washed with her typical stoic mask she's presented with at work. "I see you've made inferences of your own."

"Really isn't that hard to make. It's obvious you think I'm some lurkin' whore out to get in your pants-"

"Well, are you?"

Olivia's done being cordial, and if Amanda wasn't fuming then maybe she could understand. She could _empathize_, but it didn't mean that she wasn't hurt by the cut-throat edge in her usually soft voice.

Instead of letting the tears that circled her pale eyes fall, or lash out physically liked she secretly liked, she laughed- a dark, uncharacteristic sound that outwardly affected the veteran.

A tear slid down her cheek.

"Amanda, I didn't..." Another set of tears fell from those brown eyes that shined unnaturally from the moisture. "..that's not what I meant."

"Yes it was," Amanda whispered, surprised at the anger that drained from her. "That's what you think, what you _want _to think because you want someone to vilify- you want someone else to file under the_ reasons why I don't trust people _cabinet in your head."

Olivia outwardly winced at her words and despite the difference in height- especially now when Olivia's in heeled boots while she's wearing white socks- the veteran seemed so small, the vulnerability taking shape in her physical appearance. She could see the venom on Olivia's tongue, the rebuttal Amanda knew would be harsh, but for some reason she kept it silent. She just wiped her wet cheeks and leaned against a nearby wall.

"You're right. You're right...that's me. That _was _me ten years ago- even five, hell a _year _ago," she choked out what sounded like a mixture of a sob and a hard laugh. "But why am I here now, Amanda?" She peeled off the wall as she made her way to the small blonde. "Why I am here if I already made my decision of you?"

The tears pricked at her eyes, the sodium stinging as she doggedly kept them from falling. "I don't know..."

"Because I care about what you say. I care...I care period." Olivia pulled one side of Amanda's curls from her back over her shoulder, smoothing it against the warm jersey. The gesture was so soft, nurturing- a clash of the harsh words they snapped at each other a few minutes ago. But most importantly, irritatingly so, the look in her eyes spilled intimacy.

Something that she could never have with Olivia.

"No, don't do that," she swatted Olivia's hand from her shoulder, taking a step back. "You can't- you can't _look _at me like that!" she snapped her accent coming a lot stronger, ice returning in her voice and her eyes. "You can't look at me like that and be...and be _you. _It's not fair!"

"What's not fair, Amanda?" Olivia prompted, filling the space that Amanda created.

Her eyes narrowed appallingly at the veteran.

Now she's just being cruel.

"You know what I'm talking about!"

"Tell me." Her hand went for the blonde hair platted on her jersey, twirling the silk between tanned fingers.

Amanda was fuming, adrenaline coming in short pants of hatred and pain, and the tears finally began to fall. "I can't believe you," she said shaking her head, as if she could shush away this situation. As if she could alleviate the pain. "I can't believe you could _stand _here and play dumb when you know I want you in a way you could never want me! Are you that stupid are you just damn cruel?!"

"It pains me that I can't give you a definite answer. I hate what I'm doing to you...what I do to everyone that gets close to me..." Another tear trickled down her tanned cheek as her knuckle caressed a random part of her jaw.

Amanda initially flinched from the touch, but her barriers were down, her heart exposed, and the hard bone softly kneading her jaw eased her anger a bit. So she closed her eyes and leaned into the embrace, her legs touching the brunette's, her fingers brushing against the veteran's.

"Amanda look at me," she softly commanded.

She opened up to find compassion soft brown.

"I've never been with a woman before, never thought of being with one. And I'm not even sure if I want this, if I'll want it in the long run...but...I've been thinking," her brown eyes now aligned with her lips, her minty breath taunting the blonde's mouth "this past week I've been thinking..."

The plethora of emotions swimming in those dusky browns had Amanda lost for words. Her conscience scolded for a snappy response, to yell that she was no one's sexual experiment, but her fingers went for the space between Olivia's, weaving them together, tentatively, as if the slightest bit of pressure can crush it like a flower.

"What have you been thinkin'?" she asked, her accent stronger with the hoarseness of her tone.

"I've been thinking how...what it'll be like..you and me..." Olivia lifted their conjoined hands into the little space between them, softly kissing knuckles, eyes never leaving the rookie's.

Amanda gasped at the heat of Olivia's breath against her skin, how something so miniscule can have such an affect on her body. But she swallowed down her unexpected arousal to listen to Olivia.

She couldn't get her hopes up. Not when she was a tear away from breaking down.

"I think about us...together...if it'll be different with a woman than a man...how I would feel if I kissed you..."

Like clockwork tears flooded the blonde's face, but she didn't heave or sob like she thought she would. This was simply a release of anger and tension where her body sought that relief by crying it out. And that she did, her vision of the smiling brunette blurring into distorted shapes and colors. A soft hand, the free hand that wasn't enclosed in her own, went to wipe away her moist flesh, and she wiped her own eyes with her forefinger.

"I've been thinking a lot. How about you?" Olivia whispered, her voice a soft caress against her moist skin.

"You wanna know what I've been thinkin'?" She arched her brow, a smirk flirting against her lips.

Olivia mirrored the humor with a small grin, slightly nodding.

Amanda closed what little space was between them, their conjoined hands the only barrier to their bodies being thoroughly together. She put all her weight on her toes, arching upward as she aligned her lips with Olivia's.

And _oh_, was it so perfect.

* * *

**So...I didn't expect that to be so angsty, but everytime I tried to make it happier it came off generic. So...I was left with this copy. Hope you like it!**

  
**Tell me what you think in that little box below :)  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you all for your kind reviews and alerts and favorites! They make me smile :) From here on it's going to be mostly fluffy- back to what I intended it to be before my cynical muse tagged along :)  
**

Time and time again Amanda had fantasized about this moment. She'd always thought of the time, their conversation before it, the location, how it would feel, how she'd respond. But nothing could prepare for the true sensations it brought her. How soft those lips were, how great she felt in the older woman's arms.

She wanted to keep her eyes open, to make sure this was real, that Olivia was finally hers and not some demented, realistic dream, but Olivia's hands on her waist made them flutter to a close as the brunette responded to the kiss.

_Wow this is actually happening. _As eager as she was to explore the lovely detective's mouth, she kept their kiss chaste and her hands- aside of the one enclosed with Olivia's- safely on a strong bicep. Although they've made progress, surpassing platonic behavior into something stronger, Olivia's ran away before and she didn't want that happening because of her nearly juvenile hormones.

The brunette's expression seemed amused, even happy- something that's unfamiliar to Amanda- but she needed to know exactly what was going on in Liv's head. She needed to know if this was working, if this _could _work.

"Liv, uh..." Like the first gray cloud clothing a sunny day, that anxiety crept from the pit of her abdomen to the base of her throat. It was a slow feeling, but the longer she stared at her the harder it became to breathe.

What if Olivia didn't like it?

What if she was just being nice?

What if this confirmed she was straight?

Her thoughts ate at her self-esteem and she eased out of Olivia's hold and folded her arms across her stomach, as if to prepare herself for pessimism and declination.

Olivia blinked, but she didn't move into the space Amanda created, and the blonde was sort of grateful for that.

"Did I do something wrong?" she asked softly, frowning slightly.

"Olivia is this...do you want this?" Amanda looked up at the brunette, her eyes teary but they never fell.

And as quickly and unexpected a disastrous storm came, it subsided just as fast- if not faster.

Her heart beat with a different kind of intensity, tears trailing down her face but not from pain.

Olivia smiled. Not a grin, or a smirk, but an actual expression that covered her whole face with joy.

Amanda's face held the same happiness.

"I thought it'll be different, you know?" Olivia said, taking a step closer, returning her fingers into the blonde's. "I somehow knew I was going to like it, but...I thought I could separate my feelings by gender."

Amanda smiled, pleased at the warmth that rekindled her fingers. "So what _do_ you feel?" Now she had confidence to answer that question, and not feel her stomach in knots waiting for a response.

And when Olivia smirked, that wolfish look she shared last week, Amanda couldn't hide the crimson clouding her cheeks.

"I _feel _like..." she stepped closer, as if there was any more room between them and added, her voice dropping a few octaves, grabbing the blonde's jaw as she tilted her face "...I wanna try that again..."

* * *

"So I'm the first girl you ever kissed, eh?"

They found themselves on the couch, Amanda's knees curled to her chest, Olivia's legs crossed over the other.

The veteran's soft laugh always made her heart quiver.

"Technically? No."

Amanda frowned. "But I thought-"

"In college, I kissed one of my sorority sisters to get free beer."

Amanda laughed, not exactly sure which she found funnier: Olivia in a sorority or Olivia sloppily kissing an equally drunk girl to please a man. "_You _were in a sorority?" her laughter trailed to snickers, but her incredulity was obvious.

That earned her a playful elbow to the side with the rookie chuckling at the jagged bone. "_Yes _I was in a sorority and quite a _popular _one. But two years pledging it got repetitive and I grew tired of pretending to be nice with bitches I hated."

"Now _that's _the Olivia Benson I know," she smirked before laying her head against the veteran's shoulder, and the brunette's arm snaking around her back.

It should be different, feel different that is. For two years Amanda's dreamed of being this loose with Olivia- all laughs with minimal clothing on. She thought this would be a big deal, that her heart would be on overdrive from the brunette's close proximity. But oddly it felt free, easy. Yes her heart fluttered at the loving smile and the butterflies were there, but the step out of friendship didn't have any weight on her like she thought it would. It was this sigh of comfort and relative ease in their postures.

As a friend she always had this barrier around herself, walking on eggshells, carefully wording her conversations.

And even with the potential consequences, the conflicts it could bring to their jobs, the looks her colleagues- aside from Fin- might give, nothing had such a calm reassuring feeling like Olivia this close to her.

Oh, the irony.

* * *

They continued to watch _The Notebook _with Amanda playfully rolling her eyes at how cliche this was. Oddly, though, Olivia watched the movie with interest. Every so often Amanda glanced at the veteran from her peripheral and found those brown eyes aligned with the television and even the faintest of smiles on her beautiful face.

She couldn't hide her amusement any longer.

"So hard-as-nails Detective Olivia Benson likes chick flicks?" she chuckled, angling her body to face her.

The brunette scoffed. "I do _not."_

_"_Yeah, ya do," she cooed, enunciating her vowels as she playfully poked the tanned cheek.

"I do not- stop that!" The brunette tried to look menacing, slapping away the blonde's persisting finger, but a grin broke free. "Okay, a little."

"That's better."

"I mean, look at what we see everyday. It's nice to see that a man is capable of being a loving person, even if the premise of young love is exaggerated for the younger demographic."

"Or the unhappily married woman looking to escape her zest-less husband," Amanda added, while the detective nodded agreeably.

Olivia looked at her for a beat and opened her mouth as if she was going to say something, but averted her gaze to the cushion of the couch. "Amanda...I've also been thinking, well wondering if..." Her teeth worried into her bottom lip, eyes still on the couch.

Though it's sweet that they've gotten this far they have many things to discuss, necessary things that could bring harm to...whatever they've started. It's not the most pleasant topic that they'll speak of, but it's an expedient one and Amanda was an adult with practicality.

"Yes, Liv?" Her hand immediately went for the brunette's, mindlessly lifting and playing with those digits with her thumb.

It also made her smile to watch Olivia visibly sigh and relax into her touch.

"That night, here...when you made me dinner, if Kim didn't call...do you know what would've happened?"

That question always lingered between them, even when they was avoiding each other last week, and even kissing each other minutes prior. It's something that couldn't be ignored despite the distractions they've given themselves. It's a question Amanda's not exactly sure the answer was, so she figured honesty was her best bet to keep Olivia from straying.

"You know how you can't give me a definite answer if you want...this to work out?" Olivia made a small nod while Amanda continued. "Well it's sorta like that for that question."

She gave Olivia a moment to think over her response, watching the dark brow furrow and her eyes drift in concentration. It wasn't an angry expression, but surely wasn't pleasant.

"I can't tell the future, and I can't alter the pass. So...maybe if I would've kissed you..and...if you would've kissed me somethin' could've happened." Her own eyes fluttered to her hand, still subtly caressing the brunette's. "_But,"_ she added, almost as pointed as the thought in her mind. "I know I will _never _take advantage of you or coerce you into anythin' that's uncomfortable for you. And that still stands, Liv." She gave the brunette's hand a squeeze to grab her attention.

Olivia put on a grin, but her eyes- as expressive as they always were- told a different story.

Olivia was scared.

"I won't lie and say I don't find you sexually attractive, or that I've never fantasized about you before." She blushed at that, briefly glancing at the screen to regain composure and confidence. "But I know myself, and I know that I respect you as a detective, a woman, and..a friend. I did not invite you to dinner with expectations of sleepin' with you. I actually like what's up here," Amanda tapped the brunette's temple with a smile, emphasizing her point.

Olivia didn't say anything but relief seemed to wash over her features and a dull grin stayed on her face. Amanda, with the same expression as well, returned her attention to the television, even though this god forsaken movie was still going on. Like herself, Olivia yearned for independence and control of a situation and that couldn't happen if she was smothering, asking if she was okay.

So she let her words linger into Olivia's head, giving her time to play out her honesty. And long moments later- to the point that Amanda thought the conversation would be left as that- she felt something tug at the hem of her jersey. Looking beside her, she might've seen the impish, most sexiest smirk that ever existed.

Olivia will always be the death of her.

The brunette tugged Amanda by her shirt, pulling her close into a warm kiss. She groaned- mainly from the intensity of Liv's forcefulness- stumbling on the veteran's lap, straddling her. As she continued to explore the veteran's mouth, hot breath ghosting each other, tongues caressing and colliding, she's realized just how much Olivia was holding back before. The brunette didn't grip her waist this hard, or bite her lip- bordering a little pain, like she's doing now. She was reserved because she still didn't believe Amanda, but now she's opening herself in a way that's making the blonde's head spin with numbing arousal and inadvertent pride.

"God," she rolled off her tongue when Olivia's mouth latched on her throat, roughly sucking, leaving a bruise she wouldn't care for in the morning. In fact, she'll shiver at the memories.

_Memories_, not fantasies.

Her hips rocked against the brunette's and she reached for brown locks, an unconscious gesture that made the woman below her groan against her neck. She felt hands caress her exposed thighs, fingers slipping through her boxers to rest there, fisting the fabric from the inside for leverage. For someone who's never been with a woman, Olivia's responding quite well, listening to what Amanda's body was not-so-subtly asking.

"Now I know the allure for a woman wearing a big shirt and boxers," Olivia tugged on her boxers rather roughly, but Amanda couldn't help but chuckle.

"I really make you rethink your sexuality lookin' like this?" she meant to say sarcastically, but it came off a little shocking, actually in awe. Usually women who were discovering their sexual appeal for other women preferred to have them dolled up, but Olivia saw beauty in her when she _really _wished she'd changed.

That made her blush.

"Yeah," she grinned, while Amanda softly nipped at the sturdy bone of the detective's jaw, trailing down her neck. "I can't really exp- _oh, _explain it."

"You should try," Amanda insisted, nuzzling her nose against the juncture of a strong neck and shoulder, lightly tracing the brunette's arm with her fingers.

"You're a bit distracting."

"So I'm distractin' _and _I rethink your sexuality?" Amanda leaned back, arching a brow with a cocky smirk. "Tryin' to get lucky, Detective Benson?"

She blinked, the body freezing beneath her. It's as if Olivia slipped out of the trance that she was in, and realization began to seep through. She no longer held that confidence and humor she had a few moments ago. It was a reserved, almost timid look in her eyes as she batted them away.

Fuck.

"Liv, I was kiddin'," Amanda bit her lip as she raised from Olivia's lap and returned to her seat.

Her timidity then became confusion. "You..._don't _want to sleep with me?"

The blonde laughed, an actual laugh at the ridiculous thought. "Really, Liv?" she laughed even harder, hunching over as her breath shortened. "That's what you think? I have to be a cold-blooded gay man to not want to sleep with you!" Her laughter reduced to snickers until she breathed an amused sigh. "I think everyone wants to sleep you."

"Flattery won't get you out of this, Rollins."

Amanda rolled her eyes and took the detective's hand in her own. "Every girl remembers her first time, right?" The brunette nodded as she continued. "Well a woman always remembers her first with another woman. It should be special and romantic and..." her eyes surveyed her living room, her appearance then back to the veteran "...not some quickie on the couch."

"You don't have to do the princess act, Amanda." It seemed like she tried to hide it but a grin broke free as she shyly looked down. "I'm not a teenager. I've been around and I know 'The Notebook' doesn't happen."

"But it should."

"You're really an optimistic southerner," Olivia finally looked up with a smile, a wistful one.

"And you're really a cynical northerner," she countered, softly kissing the brunette's cheek, blushing at the smile she was earned. "But seriously, Liv. I'm not playing the _convert the straight girl _game. I want this to work...and I think we should take this slow, for the both of us."

Though Amanda liked Olivia- maybe something even more- she can't give her all to a person who wasn't sure of what _they _wanted. Her heart wouldn't heal from that damage.

So she won't go into details, or give their new found status a name just yet. That would make things bigger than they were, and she's not ready for that. Before they were acquaintances; now they're two friends trying to get to know each other and build foundation to their mutual physical attraction.

"I think that's best," Olivia grinned, giving her hand a squeeze as she stood up.

"I'd knew you'd see it my way," the blonde chuckled, standing as well.

"Oh you win the battle, not the war."

The brunette snaked an arm around the blonde's trim waist while Amanda linked hers around a strong neck. "I believe we are both allies, detective."

Amanda's pleased with the progress they've made today, but she knew this was far from over. Recognizing your sexuality could be difficult, embracing it can be even harder. Olivia's playing cool, for now, but she remembered that period of uncertainty as a teenager, a time of confusion and even shame for not being 'normal'. It's probably worse for the veteran, seeing that she's identified herself as heterosexual for her whole life. So they'll be times where Olivia might deny who she was, or who she was becoming. Times where she ostracized from Amanda to let her brain take in this change. But that didn't matter to the blonde- she'll give her space or comfort, anything she needed.

Because that's what you do for someone you care for.

* * *

**Fluff is really hard to write. Like..so hard. I thrive on giving people heartache haha. Uh...R&R por favor? **


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